The Fallacy of Self Love
“Self love” and “self care” has become a norm. This movement essentially tells us that our happiness depends on thinking positive thoughts, putting ourselves first, and treating ourselves with things we don't need, which ultimately does nothing to eradicate the mental health issues that are so prevalent in society.
First - what is “self love” or “self care”?
Well - “radical self-care” is a term coined by feminist icon Audra Lorde. She spoke of self care as a way to “reclaim power in a world that is constantly stripping us of our freedom and sense of well -being” and asserted that “caring for myself is not indulgence, It is self -preservation and that is an act of political warfare”.
It's important to remember that this movement was born out of extreme cultural division. Not as a revolutionary discovery to treat mental health.
And our modern society’s obsession with social media doesn’t help…
Whether we like to admit it or not, we're heavily influenced by the content that we consume. The endless feed of polished images, videos, and captions at our disposal at some point does seep into our psyche.
Absorbing this content can result in the invalidation of emotions creating a disconnection from others and feelings of failure, according to therapist Harriet Frew. This ultimately impacts mental health by inducing increased anxiety, depression, poor self image, increased feelings of inadequacy, and eventually societal resentment.
Not to mention that most of these posts or articles are then accompanied by a “self love” hashtag, caption… you get the picture.
Loving who you are shouldn't look or feel like you’re joining an online “club” that then has their own micro culture that you should adhere too.
There will always be someone on Instagram or tiktok who seems to have “cracked the code” when in reality, healing from your self hatred is a deeply personal journey and doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s.
The “microculture” I’m referring to, looks and sounds good in practice! Can feel good at first too.
Many of these habits that fall under the “self love” umbrella, like meditation, bespoke exercise classes, traveling to tropical areas that have “good energy” are enjoyable and beneficial to many for sure.
To be clear - taking care of our body and our mind is a good thing. For example, certain mindfulness practices hold many proven physiological benefits. Like breathwork specifically is a tool I’ve personally adopted in my daily routine.
The blame is never directed towards the acts that were meant to help you.The toxic extreme examples have become normalized and so they’re becoming easier to miss.
We hear about people getting excommunicated from a group based on secondhand information, cancel culture as a whole, ending relationships impulsively is being celebrated on social media regularly, careless spending as a form of “therapy”, or the simple act of giving up on people or commitments…
All in the name of self love? That, my friend, is toxic.
So then the question is, is “putting yourself first” actually healthy? The answer is no.
Putting yourself first under the “self love” banner isn’t helpful to yourself or others. For example…
Stating “Your Truth” in a Harmful Way:
A healthy person does not inflict pain on others. Justifying disrespectful actions under the guise of "accept me at my worst" contradicts the essence of self-love.
Love and mindset coach Michelle Baxo urges individuals to scrutinize how someone's behavior affects them, advocating open communication and setting boundaries when faced with toxic conduct.
Avoiding Conflict:
Self-love should not be an excuse to evade conflict. Conflict, when approached constructively, is an essential component of healthy relationships, fostering personal growth.
Licensed mental health counselor Alice Mills Mai warns against using self-love to sidestep vulnerability or disrespect others' boundaries, emphasizing the importance of embracing conflict for personal development.
Toxic Positivity:
The mantra of "positive vibes only" may inadvertently dismiss genuine emotional experiences, constituting toxic positivity.
Licensed clinical psychologist Michele Goldman cautions against invalidating others' emotions in the pursuit of unwavering cheerfulness, as it stifles genuine expression and emotional needs.
Excuse for Unhealthy Behaviors:
Self-love should not serve as a justification for actions that harm one's well-being or relationships.
Licensed clinical psychologist Naomi Torres-Mackie warns against the misuse of self-love to rationalize overindulgence or negligence of responsibilities, highlighting the important distinction between true self-love and harmful behaviors.
Stifling Healthy Change:
Toxic self-love discourages change and growth, promoting unrealistic expectations and avoidance of necessary self-reflection.
Psychologist Shannon Chavez encourages individuals to make a daily practice focused on becoming a better version of oneself, rather than a static affirmation devoid of genuine change.
Selfishness:
Healthy people seek balance and harmony in relationships, respecting the autonomy and feelings of others and this requires sacrifice.
Clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly identifies narcissism as a red flag for toxic self-love, emphasizing the contrast between genuine self-love guided by empathy and consideration and its toxic counterpart.
It’s simple: if everyone put themselves first, what would the world look like? Absolute chaos and cruelty. Selfishness, greed, and envy is what causes the problems we as humans and society as a whole faces.
Now - what would the world look like if all of us put others first? Does this mean everyone would be burnt out, neglected because they disregard taking care of themselves? Absolutely not.
Being a healthy person means taking care of yourself for those around you and also recognizing when to deny your own selfish impulses.
And the Bible tells us the same thing…
Philippians 2:3-4 ESV
"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
Romans 12:10 ESV
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."
1 Corinthians 10:24 ESV
Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.
1 John 4:7-8 ESV
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
So - does the Bible mention loving yourself though?
Mark 12:30-31 ESV: And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Notice he first mentioned to Love God, then neighbor, then self. We should love God with everything we are and then love others too, just as we would like to be loved.
It’s not a sin to love yourself, not at all. God made you in HIS image and said it was “good”. He calls you His masterpiece, chosen, anointed, and called.
This is not an excuse to be selfish, that’s what Lucifer did.
So what shall we do then?
Love the Lord with all your being. Love others and put them first. Love yourself and take care of yourself so you can be a blessing to those around you and they can see the character of God IN you.
In other words: Live a life worthy of the Good News of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:27)
- Mitchell Miles
